Ends of the Earth: Gay Romance Page 8

  “Are they going to send out a search party? Like for that fisherman?”

  “Not in the dark. That’s why I had to rush off yesterday and help. We were fighting the clock. And the lake he was on was much closer to the campgrounds and main area of the park. Getting out here isn’t as easy, and with Brown armed with a hostage, it’s not a typical search and rescue. Rangers aren’t equipped for this.”

  “Right.” Jason peered around at the shadowy forest. “Maggie doesn’t do very well without sleep. He’ll have to stop, or—” Bile rising, he squeezed his eyes shut. He’d tried not to think about it. Didn’t want to make his fears real by voicing them.

  But he knew what happened to kidnapped little girls.

  Then the oats and raisins of the granola bar were coming back up. He dropped to his knees, heaving up the bit of food and water he’d consumed, the wet earth soaking his pants.

  “It’s okay.” Ben crouched beside him, rubbing a hand slowly up Jason’s back, his fingers warm on the nape of Jason’s neck.

  For a few heartbeats, Jason didn’t move. He knelt there, head hanging low, letting Ben rub the strip of exposed skin. He fought the urge to bury himself in Ben’s arms. He had to be strong. He was Maggie’s father. He had to be a man.

  Coughing, he swiped at his eyes. He took the bottle of water Ben offered and sipped. “Thanks,” he croaked. “I’m fine. Let’s go. We can keep looking until we can’t see.” Ben had a flashlight, but it would be too dangerous to use. They needed the element of surprise. It was their only advantage. Jason would tackle Brown. Trade his life for Maggie’s, and Ben could get her to safety.

  Ben watched him for a long moment. “Okay.”

  But Jason didn’t move, his knees cold in the wet leaves, a pinecone digging into his flesh. Terror paralyzed him, and even though Ben didn’t have the answer, he had to ask again, “Do you think he’ll hurt her? Do you really think he meant what he said about not molesting kids?”

  “His offense did seem genuine. Like he has some weird code of honor. I saw his rap sheet and it was robbery and assault. Like I said before, nothing sexual.”

  Jason exhaled. It was no guarantee, but at least it was something. He had to put the horrible possibilities out of his mind or he’d be hobbled. Just had to concentrate on finding her and getting her safe. If Brown felt like he needed her as a bargaining chip, he’d keep her alive. Jason had to believe that.

  Ben quietly checked in on the radio, and the woman on the other end told them there’d be helicopters out in the morning, and that the local police were on their trail, but had to turn back and regroup, get organized and supplied up for first light. The FBI was taking over, and had ordered Ben be told to stop searching and “contain” Jason.

  His gaze on Jason, Ben simply said, “Copy that. Over and out.” Then he kept walking, and Jason followed gratefully. He couldn’t stop. Maggie was leaving a trail. Maggie was waiting for him to find her.

  They went another quarter mile and reached a babbling stream. It hadn’t been a warm day to start with, but now the temperature dropped like a stone as the hidden sun sank. With numb fingers, Jason filled their two bottles with fresh water. He closed his eyes briefly.

  Maggie was gone.

  Grief lashed through him for the hundredth time since she’d disappeared, screaming as that psycho carried her off. Jason fought the tears and rinsed his face, slapping his cheeks with glacial water. Sitting around crying wasn’t going to get her back.

  He muttered, “I can’t believe I let this happen.”

  Ben stood against a nearby tree, rubbing his face. “It’s not your fault.”

  Jason shoved to his feet with a burst of impotent fury. He wanted to throw his head back and scream, but had to stay quiet. Before he knew what he was doing, he was in Ben’s face, gripping his jacket, gritting out, “Stop saying that. Stop it!”

  Ben raised his hands. “Okay.”

  “Of course it’s my fault! And why did you tell us to go on that isolated trail? We drove out to the middle of nowhere and now she’s gone.”

  Face creasing, Ben whispered, “I’m so sorry. I’ll get her back. I promise. God, I’m sorry.”

  In the face of Ben’s guilt, Jason’s rage dissipated, whooshing out of him like air from a balloon. “No. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry.” He shut his eyes, trembling as he clung to Ben’s coat, leaning into him. “She’s alone. Maggie’s alone with that killer. What if she fights him and he hurts her? I always taught her to fight. To kick and bite and scream if someone tried to grab her. But he had a gun and…”

  “She’s a smart girl.” Ben’s warm breath ghosted over Jason’s skin. “She’s leaving us a trail. She’ll get through this.”

  “I never should have brought her to Montana. If we’d stayed home, she’d be safe.” He opened his eyes, staring into Ben’s. “I was supposed to keep her safe.”

  Ben gently pushed Jason’s damp hair off his forehead, and Jason leaned into his palm. “You couldn’t have known this would happen. You’re not to blame. Do you hear me?”

  “Everyone said I wouldn’t be able to do it. That I was too young.” He gasped, his lungs tightening unbearably. “They said I should give her up. My parents tried to take her. They said it would be better, and I could go to college and be normal and Maggie would be my sister instead. I wouldn’t. She’s mine, my child. But they were right. I can’t do it. I’ve lost her.”

  Ben enunciated carefully. “Bullshit. Listen to me. You’re a wonderful father.” He held the back of Jason’s neck. “You brought her to Montana because it was her dream. You didn’t do a damn thing wrong.”

  Jason was still gripping Ben’s slick jacket, and his icy fingers relaxed. His legs shook, and Ben eased him to the ground, both of them on their knees.

  From the corner of his eye, Jason caught a flash of red on Ben’s wrist in the weak light. He reached for it, sucking in a breath at the angry hives.

  “From the bear spray? I did this. I’m so sorry.” He held Ben’s hand in his, aching to make it better.

  “It’s fading. I’m fine. I’ll put on some Polysporin.”

  “I’ll help. It’s in your bag?” At least this he could do. Pulling out a Ziploc bag full of bandages and gauze, he dug in the bottom for the tube of gel. Jason had used it a hundred times on Maggie’s scraped knees and elbows, and he quivered with a pang of longing.

  “Here,” he said, twisting off the cap and storing it safely in his pocket. He carefully spread the gel over the hives on one hand and then the other, pushing up Ben’s sleeves to see if there were more. Fortunately there weren’t. Ben breathed softly, warmth whispering across Jason’s cheeks.

  Holding Jason’s fingers, he squeezed lightly. “None of this is your fault.”

  “But—”

  “None of it.” Ben tugged gently, wrapping Jason in his arms.

  Shutting his eyes, Jason leaned into the solid warmth, too tired to argue as darkness closed in around them. Ben ran his fingers gently through Jason’s hair. God, it felt so good to be held, and Jason couldn’t find the words to tell Ben to stop, or keep himself from inching closer, pressing his face to the bare skin at Ben’s throat.

  It had been so long since he’d been close to anyone but Maggie, since he’d even hugged another adult. So long since he’d let someone else take care of him. But Ben was steady and strong. Secure.

  In that moment, all Jason could do was let go and sob.

  The night was never going to end.

  Huddled next to Ben under an emergency blanket that allegedly would reflect their body heat, Jason fidgeted. After a dinner of beef jerky and protein bars, Ben had spread a blanket underneath them as a groundsheet and pulled another on top. Jason curled on his side, and Ben’s bulk behind him was a comfort.

  If only he could sleep.

  But how the hell was he supposed to sleep? Keeping it under the lightweight, orange blanket, Jason checked his phone, blinking at the stark light. He knew there was no cell service in the bac
kcountry, but he needed to know the time. His heart sank. Not even midnight.

  Ben’s voice was a low rumble. “Do I want to know?”

  “Nope.” He shifted restlessly, a stone that felt like a boulder jammed into his hip. He knew he had to try to sleep, but it was impossible. The darkness surrounding them was complete—he could barely even see the shadow of Ben behind him if he craned his neck.

  At least it had stopped raining, although drops still fell from leaves rustling in the wind. An owl hooted, and insects chirped. Otherwise it was silent, the forest peaceful.

  Too peaceful.

  Jason couldn’t take the eerie quiet. He whispered, “I’m sorry. For…” Remembering Ben’s arms around him, holding tight and comforting, he tried to find the right words. “For losing my shit and stuff. You were really nice. I hope that wasn’t weird or anything.”

  Ben’s exhalation tickled the back of Jason’s neck. “It wasn’t weird.”

  His heart skipped, and he shifted again, fiddling with the blanket. “Good thing you brought this stuff.”

  “Once a Boy Scout, et cetera.”

  “I never was.”

  “No?”

  “My parents wouldn’t let me join. Boy Scouts were too…grungy. Let’s just say they don’t camp.”

  “So what did you like to do as a kid?” Ben asked.

  “I was a great swimmer. Used to spend all the time I could at the pool in our country club. I was pretty good in prep school. But drawing was my favorite thing. I wanted to go to art school so much.”

  He wasn’t sure why he was rambling. Curled up in the wilderness in the pitch black with Ben inches away was like the strangest dream. He shivered on the hard ground, yet felt outside himself at the same time.

  He choked down the swell of panic and grief. He’d get Maggie back. He had to.

  Ben asked, “Why didn’t you go? Oh, of course. Maggie.”

  “She changed my life.” Jason had to swallow hard, his throat burning. “And people felt sorry for me, like I was losing everything, but they didn’t get it. They don’t understand how much she gave me. She’s…” He took a shuddering breath. “She’s everything.”

  “We’re going to find her, Jason. She’s going to be okay.”

  “This is a nightmare and I don’t think it’s ever going to end.” He blinked against a rush of tears. “I can’t live without her. I can’t.” His guts were torn out, flapping in the cold slice of wind, his heart exposed and bloody.

  Ben pressed closer, rubbing a comforting hand over Jason’s shoulder and arm.

  Jason fought for air, blood rushing in his ears. “I can’t. I need her back.”

  “Shh. It’s okay.”

  Jason’s pulse thundered, desperate need burning. He couldn’t think—he was all raw nerves, trembling and grasping. He needed warmth to cling to like a life raft, and he turned over, burrowing close to Ben.

  “I’ve got you. I’m here.” Ben held him so tightly, murmuring into his hair.

  It wasn’t enough. Jason needed more, needed something to fill the gaping hole inside him. He panted harshly against the rough stubble of Ben’s throat, searching.

  Then he was kissing Ben, jamming their mouths together, still drowning and grasping for the surface, clutching Ben close. He opened his mouth on a gasp, and their tongues met, wet and thrusting. Ben groaned, and Jason’s head spun.

  What the hell am I doing?

  Shoving backwards, he scrambled to his hands and knees, pushing away the blanket. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s all right,” Ben soothed. In the pitch black, his searching hand made contact, and Jason jerked out of his grasp.

  Jason babbled, “I don’t know why I did that. I… What’s wrong with me?”

  “Nothing. You’re under an enormous amount of strain. You want comfort. It’s normal to reach out.”

  “But I’ve never… I don’t…” Jason scrubbed a hand over his face, the darkness pressing in. He wanted to wake up. He had to wake up from this hell.

  “You’re in shock. Let’s get some rest.”

  Shame slithered through Jason with a low hiss. His daughter was out there with a psycho, helpless and alone, and he was kissing someone. Kissing Ben.

  But thinking of Maggie was gut-wrenching agony, and he desperately wanted to retreat into Ben’s arms so he could forget, only for a minute. Waiting in the dark, he was utterly powerless, and he wanted to shut off his mind and connect with Ben—warm, breathing, soothing. He yearned to feel anything but soul-shattering terror.

  So weak!

  He struggled to be strong. “No. This isn’t… I can’t.” He pushed to his feet.

  Ben’s hand gripped Jason’s calf. “It’s fifty degrees, if that. It’s windy and cold, and hypothermia is a real threat. Get back here, and don’t make me chase you. This will not help Maggie.”

  He was right, and Jason dropped back to the ground. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. We’re just going to sleep, okay? Come on. That’s it.” Ben gently pulled Jason onto his side, spooning up behind him and tucking the blanket over Jason carefully before slipping his arm inside, solid around Jason’s chest. “Sleep,” Ben whispered.

  Quicksand sucked Jason in all the way to his armpits. Echoes of sensations wheeled through his ragged mind: Ben’s strong hands, the salty taste of his lips and warm puff of breath, his low groan, barely out loud. The smell of sweat and dirt and Ben that filled his nose now.

  God, Jason ached to lose himself in Ben’s arms, press against him from head to toe so he didn’t know where he stopped and Ben started. The only person he’d ever kissed had been Amy, awkward and fumbling, punctuated by giggles.

  He wanted to laugh now at how ridiculous he’d been. All those times he’d leafed through Details or men’s fitness magazines, telling himself it was because he admired their physiques, because he wanted a body like that. No, he’d wanted them. He’d wanted to touch those hairy muscles and feel bristle against his face when a hard mouth took his.

  The thought of their bodies together—of pulling Ben on top of him, being covered by his weight, tasting his mouth again, hearing him moan—coiled a hot spiral of desire through his belly.

  Shame joined desire, fire and ice all at once, churning his stomach. He shouldn’t have been thinking of anything but finding Maggie, but he was completely out of control—all sensation and emotion, hunger and need and desperation.

  Their breathing sounded overly loud in the blackness. Images ran riot through Jason’s mind: Joy blooming over Maggie’s sweet face as she found a pretty rock. Harlan Brown’s gun pressed against her head. Ben’s wide, easy smile. Jason squeezed his eyes shut and curled into a ball, wishing desperately he could switch off his mind.

  The night was never going to end.

  I want to go home. I want Daddy.

  On the stone floor of the tiny cave, Maggie hugged her knees to her chest as she curled on her side. It was wet, dark, and freezing, and her dad felt a million miles away. The bad man snored loudly next to her, his head pillowed on his small backpack, her dad’s pack tucked under his arm.

  He blocked the entrance, the stone ceiling only a few inches above them. There was no way she could crawl over him without waking him up. She was stuck.

  She could still hear the echo of her dad’s voice screaming for her as the bad man had carried her off. Daddy’s shouts had gotten fainter and fainter, and she’d sobbed, the bear spray burning in her eyes. It barely seemed to bother the man, and he was so big and strong and ran so fast.

  Then they’d walked forever—hours and hours. He’d piggybacked her sometimes, and she hated hanging onto him, having his scraggly, greasy hair in her face. The day had gotten colder and colder. Finally, he’d stopped when it got dark.

  Her fingers had been numb, so he’d unwrapped a gross energy bar for her and given her gloves. She didn’t understand why he was nice sometimes. Why didn’t he just let her go? He’d given her his water too. She hated putting her lips to the same
bottle he used, but she was so thirsty.

  He’d given her a sweatshirt to put on under her poncho. It was damp and smelled gross, but she’d been afraid to say no, and had pulled the stinky cotton over her head.

  The man had fallen asleep almost right away somehow, but Maggie shivered and jumped at every noise. It was so dark outside that she couldn’t see a thing. Tears filled her eyes, and she cried as quietly as she could.

  At least with the bad man, she wasn’t alone.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  “Did you ever want to leave Montana?” Jason’s voice was barely a whisper, but it still made Ben jump in the darkness.

  “What?”

  “You grew up here, you said. Sorry, I’m just…” Jason blew out a shuddery breath. “I can’t sleep. I’m going nuts waiting. Will you talk to me? Please?”

  Ben kept his tone hushed as well. “Of course.” His arm was still around Jason’s chest, but he’d left an inch between their bodies, even though he wanted to press close, especially as Jason shivered in the piercing wind. There were still two hours before dawn, and neither of them had slept.

  Jason asked, “Do you have lots of family around?”

  “No. My mom died when I was in high school, and my dad several years ago. But this is the only home I’ve ever known.”

  The seconds ticked by before Jason murmured, “Did…did he know? Your father. About you. Being…”

  “That I’m gay? Yes. He was never that keen on Brad, but he had no problem with it. Well, after an adjustment period. My mom never knew. Or at least she never said anything. I was still a kid when she died. Tenth grade.” Ben wriggled the arm curled beneath him, trying to ward off pins and needles. “I wonder sometimes if she ever really knew me. I wish I’d told her before the accident. She hit a tree skiing.” That he hadn’t been honest with her was a hollow in him that would never quite be filled. “I was too afraid back then. Too much of a coward.”

  Jason was silent, and Ben wished he could see his face. Wished he could kiss him again, gently this time, soothing and sweet. Then Jason said, “I’m sorry about your mom. And you’re not a coward.”